Category Archives: The Heartbreakers

I didn’t give up on Love but it gave up on me

c32e3b684c71abc5b51dbbf1857cI went on another blind date this weekend. A two hour drive to the diner and a 20 minute lunch later, the guy left.  Three days later I get a text from him saying that he thinks I’m a nice person but we are in different places in our lives. Later on I get a call from a friend who knows the guy and she told me the truth…he thought I was too fat.

Right away my brain translated that to: Too fat to want, too fat to love, too fat to be happy.

I’m going on year 4 now in hopes of finding Mr. Right and while I have met some decent men, all have responded with “you seem really nice, but….”

I don’t know if its just that time of the month or my inner insecure self talking, but I’m starting to really believe this men. In all these dates that I have gone on, the only two constants have been the same generic response and me. This many people can not have the same opinion about the same person just coincidentally. There has to be some truth, I think they are right. I am too fat too love.resized_conspiracy-keanu-meme-generator-what-if-you-ve-never-had-a-bad-date-but-everyone-thats-dated-you-has-456a13

I have always been an eternal optimist. I have always loved love. But love has never loved me.

I’m good enough to be a booty call at midnight, a side chick no one knows, a mistress for years…but never someones one and only.

This post isn’t me wallowing in self pity or looking for affirmation that I’m good enough just as I am. This post is more of a reality check. Not everyone finds love. Not everyone gets to be happy. Maybe I’m  destined for something different in my life. But while I wait for this magic moment, I’ll continue to  waste my 29th year crying and being angry because

I didn’t give up on love, it gave up on me.

he only likes me when he’s drunk

The title says it all.

After months of texting back and forth he decided to visit. He had been in the area and decided to drop by after he was doing what he needed to do. It was almost midnight by the time he finally came, but I didn’t care. Remember, he’s the one I thought I loved. He checked out my new place and while he walked from room to room I checked him out. Damn he’s hot! Every time I see him I get butterflies and nervous and giddy and excited.

He said we had a connection and that he could talk to me about anything, and boy he could talk. He shared his insecurities, his anxieties, his concerns. He laid it all out in the open. I thought this meant that he loved me that I meant something to him. But then I realized that he had down a half bottle of crown royal that he brought.

That night we messed around. I had made it very clear that I wasn’t interested in sex, but man was he persistent and to be honest, I was ok that it happened, after all I thought I loved him.

Morning came, he sobered up and he shut up. It was a weird awkward quietness between us. I tried to amuse him by touching and teasing him, but his responses seemed so half ass. My insecurities kicked in. In the light of day did he finally see me for what I actually had become for him? An easy lay that he could get wasted in front of and cry?

He left, I slept.

Day two, and damn this heart but I miss him. But I’m not stupid. I know he wont text me for a while. Thats a part of his routine adn I told him him that was what he always does. He disgreed.

I don’t know how to quit him. I don’t know what the hell it is about this man child that I just can’t forget. Why do I do this to myslef? Why do I keep putting myself through this? But then again…I love him.

he was supposed to be the one

It started with fireworks and ended in tears. After years of searching, he was supposed to be the one. The one that would love me, the one that would give me my fairy tale ending. But what he would become was nothing more then a heartache time and time again. They called him “the bull” and rightfully so. He came charging into my life, tore me to pieces, and charged right out. Never did I say I loved him, never did he promise to stay, but still….there was something. Some mysterious cosmic connection that kept up spiraling, kept us spinning in this never ending cycle of random hooks up and heart felt texts and eventual abandonment.

The last time I saw him, I thought this was it. This would be the day he would say he wanted more then just play dates in the sack. But no, he came, he cummed, he left. To say I want him or miss him would be stupid. To say he made me feel special would be silly.

With him I pictured my future. With him I attached all my future hopes dreams and desires. But no……it would never be.

I thought if I wrote this I would free myself from his power. I would free myself from his memories, free myself long enough to once again live. But no, all I feel is pain, rejection, hate and disgust. He no longer is just “the bull”. He now represents all the years of rejection, the ridicule, the hate. He now symbolizes all my pain and agony, all the sleepless nights, the millions of tears I’ve shed and the thousands of unanswered prayers I have made.

He was supposed to be the one.