Tag Archives: abandonment

When is it wrong to be jealous of others blessings?

As a child I was always taught to be grateful for what God has blessed me with. In my teens I learned to not compare myself others. In my twenties I found peace in knowing that everything happens in due time and for a reason. But at what point do you stop believing all this? At what point does this sound like nothing more then horse shit that your elders pass on down to you in the hopes that you will accept your mundane, mediocre middle class life?

Now don’t get me wrong. I love God. God has a very special place in my heart and I do believe he/she does everything for a reason. But, I can’t help but feel a little disappointed and let down by God.  Yes I am grateful for my blessings, yes I am trying not to compare myself to others, yes I am waiting for my blessing and know that things will happen when they do BUT I cant help but feel pissed knowing that fucked up, maniac, bimbos who do nothing more then use everyone around them steal their money and talk shit behind everyone’s back are living their happily ever afters and I am sitting here with nothing/no one.


In the upcoming months I have a total of six weddings to attend. I know all six of the brides personally and am flabbergasted that these women were able to find someone to call their own and Im still here. I’m angry knowing that three of them have openly and unapologetically cheated on their fiances yet someone was willing to look past that. One bride ran up a $50,000 USD credit card bill under her mothers name after she stole her identity, and then ran off on her first fiance, had the second one arrested and has openly said she marrying the third on for his money…..yet I am still here.

I have racked my brain for weeks, and I just don’t get it. Such absolutely horrible people are being blessed with such beautiful things like love and happiness….Yet I am still here.

By no means am I saying I am this holier then though type of person, because I will freely admit I have made mistakes, but for the most part I have tried to live a good clean life. I don’t understand why nice people like me, who do everything right are literally praying and crying till their eyes run dry for the miracle of love to bless their lives have to wait, but fucktastic people like the brides-to-be get to be happy now.

Yes I know, good things come to those who wait but WHAT THE FUCK!!!! Where is it fair that at 18, 22, 25 etc couples are finding their soulmates and here  I almost 29, hoping…praying….that someone will notice me.

I know I sound old and bitter and ungrateful, but you know what, I’m ok with that.  I know I can’t be the only one out their that feels this way. The only that feels that somehow God for got about them, that maybe their blessings will never come, that maybe they were meant to be alone 😦



he was supposed to be the one

It started with fireworks and ended in tears. After years of searching, he was supposed to be the one. The one that would love me, the one that would give me my fairy tale ending. But what he would become was nothing more then a heartache time and time again. They called him “the bull” and rightfully so. He came charging into my life, tore me to pieces, and charged right out. Never did I say I loved him, never did he promise to stay, but still….there was something. Some mysterious cosmic connection that kept up spiraling, kept us spinning in this never ending cycle of random hooks up and heart felt texts and eventual abandonment.

The last time I saw him, I thought this was it. This would be the day he would say he wanted more then just play dates in the sack. But no, he came, he cummed, he left. To say I want him or miss him would be stupid. To say he made me feel special would be silly.

With him I pictured my future. With him I attached all my future hopes dreams and desires. But no……it would never be.

I thought if I wrote this I would free myself from his power. I would free myself from his memories, free myself long enough to once again live. But no, all I feel is pain, rejection, hate and disgust. He no longer is just “the bull”. He now represents all the years of rejection, the ridicule, the hate. He now symbolizes all my pain and agony, all the sleepless nights, the millions of tears I’ve shed and the thousands of unanswered prayers I have made.

He was supposed to be the one.