Tag Archives: heartache

To the one who made me smile :)

This past weekend was my cousins wedding and if you anything about Indian weddings, you know they can get very loud and very chaotic! Aunties giving you the side eye, Bibi’s listing your flaws, Uncles getting drunk, Kids running around…oh how I love it 🙂indian-wedding-dance-floor

Anyways in the middle of the weeding weekend my mom tells me she gave my number to a boy and he would be texting me. All I could think was FUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!! No no no !!!! Ughhh not again. Probably another psycho concerned about my fiber intake or how many times I blink per minute (yes  that has happened before).

On the wedding day, while sitting in the the temple waiting for the ceremony to start I get a text from Jay. He said hi and right away I apologized that I was busy and said I would text him when I had time.  He said fine, no worries. The next day I texted to tell him sorry I was going to the reception and would text him later. He responded with a cute flirty response. That’s the first time I Smiled.

The next day I texted him good morning and said I was packing up and heading back to my place that day and would finally have time to talk to him. He responded. That’s the second time I Smiled.

While making the 2 hour treacherous drive back to my place, Jay called. For the next two hours we talked. I parked my car and we talked. I grabbed my bags and took them in and we continued to talk.

Shit, could I possibly like this guy?

599likeme

The next few days we talked, we texted we snap chatted. After such a long time it was so refreshing to finally talk to a man so comfortable in his own skin. A man who wasn’t afraid to say what he wanted from life and had opinions to share. Jay made me laugh, Jay made me feel special.

Fast forward to today and I think I really really like him 🙂 If nothing becomes of this I think I will be okay, because Jay made me smile. In a time where I was loosing hope, where I was beginning to feel that love had given up on me, Jay pulled me out of the shadows and showed me that hey, don’t give up just yet.

So where do we go from here? I don’t know. But all I do know, thank you Jay 🙂 You made my heart beat just a little faster, you made me look forward to getting texts from a boy, but more than anything, thank you, because ….

you_make_me_smile_like_the_sun_by_unspokenmistake-d4j3a2a

Advertisements

I didn’t give up on Love but it gave up on me

c32e3b684c71abc5b51dbbf1857cI went on another blind date this weekend. A two hour drive to the diner and a 20 minute lunch later, the guy left.  Three days later I get a text from him saying that he thinks I’m a nice person but we are in different places in our lives. Later on I get a call from a friend who knows the guy and she told me the truth…he thought I was too fat.

Right away my brain translated that to: Too fat to want, too fat to love, too fat to be happy.

I’m going on year 4 now in hopes of finding Mr. Right and while I have met some decent men, all have responded with “you seem really nice, but….”

I don’t know if its just that time of the month or my inner insecure self talking, but I’m starting to really believe this men. In all these dates that I have gone on, the only two constants have been the same generic response and me. This many people can not have the same opinion about the same person just coincidentally. There has to be some truth, I think they are right. I am too fat too love.resized_conspiracy-keanu-meme-generator-what-if-you-ve-never-had-a-bad-date-but-everyone-thats-dated-you-has-456a13

I have always been an eternal optimist. I have always loved love. But love has never loved me.

I’m good enough to be a booty call at midnight, a side chick no one knows, a mistress for years…but never someones one and only.

This post isn’t me wallowing in self pity or looking for affirmation that I’m good enough just as I am. This post is more of a reality check. Not everyone finds love. Not everyone gets to be happy. Maybe I’m  destined for something different in my life. But while I wait for this magic moment, I’ll continue to  waste my 29th year crying and being angry because

I didn’t give up on love, it gave up on me.

he only likes me when he’s drunk

The title says it all.

After months of texting back and forth he decided to visit. He had been in the area and decided to drop by after he was doing what he needed to do. It was almost midnight by the time he finally came, but I didn’t care. Remember, he’s the one I thought I loved. He checked out my new place and while he walked from room to room I checked him out. Damn he’s hot! Every time I see him I get butterflies and nervous and giddy and excited.

He said we had a connection and that he could talk to me about anything, and boy he could talk. He shared his insecurities, his anxieties, his concerns. He laid it all out in the open. I thought this meant that he loved me that I meant something to him. But then I realized that he had down a half bottle of crown royal that he brought.

That night we messed around. I had made it very clear that I wasn’t interested in sex, but man was he persistent and to be honest, I was ok that it happened, after all I thought I loved him.

Morning came, he sobered up and he shut up. It was a weird awkward quietness between us. I tried to amuse him by touching and teasing him, but his responses seemed so half ass. My insecurities kicked in. In the light of day did he finally see me for what I actually had become for him? An easy lay that he could get wasted in front of and cry?

He left, I slept.

Day two, and damn this heart but I miss him. But I’m not stupid. I know he wont text me for a while. Thats a part of his routine adn I told him him that was what he always does. He disgreed.

I don’t know how to quit him. I don’t know what the hell it is about this man child that I just can’t forget. Why do I do this to myslef? Why do I keep putting myself through this? But then again…I love him.