Tag Archives: sikh

To the one who made me smile :)

This past weekend was my cousins wedding and if you anything about Indian weddings, you know they can get very loud and very chaotic! Aunties giving you the side eye, Bibi’s listing your flaws, Uncles getting drunk, Kids running around…oh how I love it 🙂indian-wedding-dance-floor

Anyways in the middle of the weeding weekend my mom tells me she gave my number to a boy and he would be texting me. All I could think was FUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!! No no no !!!! Ughhh not again. Probably another psycho concerned about my fiber intake or how many times I blink per minute (yes  that has happened before).

On the wedding day, while sitting in the the temple waiting for the ceremony to start I get a text from Jay. He said hi and right away I apologized that I was busy and said I would text him when I had time.  He said fine, no worries. The next day I texted to tell him sorry I was going to the reception and would text him later. He responded with a cute flirty response. That’s the first time I Smiled.

The next day I texted him good morning and said I was packing up and heading back to my place that day and would finally have time to talk to him. He responded. That’s the second time I Smiled.

While making the 2 hour treacherous drive back to my place, Jay called. For the next two hours we talked. I parked my car and we talked. I grabbed my bags and took them in and we continued to talk.

Shit, could I possibly like this guy?

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The next few days we talked, we texted we snap chatted. After such a long time it was so refreshing to finally talk to a man so comfortable in his own skin. A man who wasn’t afraid to say what he wanted from life and had opinions to share. Jay made me laugh, Jay made me feel special.

Fast forward to today and I think I really really like him 🙂 If nothing becomes of this I think I will be okay, because Jay made me smile. In a time where I was loosing hope, where I was beginning to feel that love had given up on me, Jay pulled me out of the shadows and showed me that hey, don’t give up just yet.

So where do we go from here? I don’t know. But all I do know, thank you Jay 🙂 You made my heart beat just a little faster, you made me look forward to getting texts from a boy, but more than anything, thank you, because ….

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he was supposed to be the one

It started with fireworks and ended in tears. After years of searching, he was supposed to be the one. The one that would love me, the one that would give me my fairy tale ending. But what he would become was nothing more then a heartache time and time again. They called him “the bull” and rightfully so. He came charging into my life, tore me to pieces, and charged right out. Never did I say I loved him, never did he promise to stay, but still….there was something. Some mysterious cosmic connection that kept up spiraling, kept us spinning in this never ending cycle of random hooks up and heart felt texts and eventual abandonment.

The last time I saw him, I thought this was it. This would be the day he would say he wanted more then just play dates in the sack. But no, he came, he cummed, he left. To say I want him or miss him would be stupid. To say he made me feel special would be silly.

With him I pictured my future. With him I attached all my future hopes dreams and desires. But no……it would never be.

I thought if I wrote this I would free myself from his power. I would free myself from his memories, free myself long enough to once again live. But no, all I feel is pain, rejection, hate and disgust. He no longer is just “the bull”. He now represents all the years of rejection, the ridicule, the hate. He now symbolizes all my pain and agony, all the sleepless nights, the millions of tears I’ve shed and the thousands of unanswered prayers I have made.

He was supposed to be the one.

My First Time

It was quick, it was painless and by the end of it I was an emotional wreck. I knew the day had to come someday, but damn, I wasn’t ready. No I’m not talking about loosing my virginity, (although that’s another taboo topic that I might address someday), but rather my first step into the magical world of an arranged marriage.pre-arranged-marriages-pre-pair-people-for-the-future_o_2607971

It all started with a chance encounter at the guardwara. A friend of a friend reached out to my dad and said hey, we have a boy whose of marriage age and you have a daughter who obviously needs to get married ASAP (I was 24 at the time) so here’s his email address and get them married. When questioned about what the guy did, the friend responded that “J” was a dentist and came from a nice family in England. My parents, a little freaked out but excited and blinded by the fact that anyone was showing any interest in me and that I had hit the jackpot by landing a dentist on my first try, immediately emailed “J.” A few days later, JR responded and included with his email was his picture.

(Oh THE picture. If the guy sent one obviously I would have to send one back. The dreaded moment that I would soon learn to despise. The feeling of uncertainty, the total shattering of whatever little self esteem I had, the utter disgust and nauseating feeling of being judged based on THAT single picture. )

Now my mom being a typical Indian mom whose is very vain immediately rejected the boy. When asked why, she came up with a list of stupid reasons, all of which I disagreed with. “He’s too skinny, I don’t like his nose, his eyes are too small, he’s not smiling…the list went on and on.

Angry and annoyed that she would say such mean things about someone she didn’t even know, I  lashed out. That was the first fight of many that we would have over the years. Our fight went on for days and in that whole jumbled mess of emotions, J was soon forgotten about, only to be mentioned in passing or at the guardwara when my dad would spot the friend and whisper to my mom “There’s J’s relative” and they would both bee line to the langar hall or run away to the car in attempt to hide from the man.

After about two years and 40 some guys later, I thought I had forgotten about J. I thought he would be nothing but a distant memory, but boy was I wrong….SO SO WRONG 🙂

I would soon learn that this simple little dentist from a good family was nothing but a freak with a fetish for big boobs and a tight ass….more on that later……

~r~ xoxoxo