I am currently in the process of falling in love
He asked “Are you worried that I might be the one?” and through muffled tears and silent sobs, I said nothing.
“I am looking for a connection,” he said, “I am looking for someone who makes me think, challenges me, inspires me, makes me want to be better. We have a connection. Don’t you think?”
I wipe my tears and silently shake my head. Too scared that he might hear the tears in my voice over the phone, I just sigh.
“I’m not a very romantic man. I might not say I love you too often. I might not buy you grand gifts, but my actions speak louder then my words. Time is the most important thing I can give you to show you how much I care.”
We hang up after a ninety-three minute conversation. The third one of the day, fifteenth one of the week.
“Watch out miss, you’re falling for me.”~Day 3, Day 21
It started with fireworks and ended in tears. After years of searching, he was supposed to be the one. The one that would love me, the one that would give me my fairy tale ending. But what he would become was nothing more then a heartache time and time again. They called him “the bull” and rightfully so. He came charging into my life, tore me to pieces, and charged right out. Never did I say I loved him, never did he promise to stay, but still….there was something. Some mysterious cosmic connection that kept up spiraling, kept us spinning in this never ending cycle of random hooks up and heart felt texts and eventual abandonment.
The last time I saw him, I thought this was it. This would be the day he would say he wanted more then just play dates in the sack. But no, he came, he cummed, he left. To say I want him or miss him would be stupid. To say he made me feel special would be silly.
With him I pictured my future. With him I attached all my future hopes dreams and desires. But no……it would never be.
I thought if I wrote this I would free myself from his power. I would free myself from his memories, free myself long enough to once again live. But no, all I feel is pain, rejection, hate and disgust. He no longer is just “the bull”. He now represents all the years of rejection, the ridicule, the hate. He now symbolizes all my pain and agony, all the sleepless nights, the millions of tears I’ve shed and the thousands of unanswered prayers I have made.
He was supposed to be the one.